Marking Moments and the Passage of Time

Journal Entry #6

September 15th, 2021

Yesterday was my birthday. When we contemplated vanlife, I imagined we’d spend this day somewhere “exotic” if we could— like some amazing bluff overlooking a perfect mountain sunset.

But here’s the thing: Van life is still daily life (we just happen to be living it, mostly, in a van).

And so, life brought us to Bloomington Indiana this week to visit Tom’s stepmother and father. Instead of a mountain sunset, we have slept these past few nights in the guest room of the family home on a little side street of this college town, with quaint views of black-eyed susans and clothes drying on the line.

Tom’s father lives down the street now, in a memory care facility. Over the past five years he has been descending into dementia and over the pandemic the disease seemed to accelerate. After two recent silver alert scares, J (Tom’s stepmom) made the very difficult decision, for her safety as much as his, to commit him to a group home. The trip here, for us, was long overdue. Tom had not seen his dad since before the pandemic.

The visit has been bittersweet. It’s unclear whether his dad even knows that Tom is his son. He engages in conversation but the words make no sense; they are jumbled, like word salad. The tone, however, is clear. At times he’s kind and funny. At other times, he’s snarky, sarcastic and cutting. What is clear is that he will likely never leave this place. J faces a life of providing care and companionship for this person who she dearly loves but is a shadow of his former self.

Tom had an often contentious relationship with his father over the years. He recalls that his father was exacting, critical and rarely offered praise. His father was also fiercely independent, had strong opinions (that he made certain that all knew!) and was in constant motion, hiking, camping or keeping busy with do-it-yourself projects. Tom remembers many summers with his dad spent backpacking in upper Wyoming or helping around the Indiana farm.

Much of Tom’s handiness, independent spirit and wish for a life on his own unique terms is a reflection of his dad.

Tom showing Dad the van

The irony wasn’t lost on us as we were buzzed into the locked sanctum of the memory care home. While we now have the ultimate freedom of deciding how to spend our days and of making such a wide set of choices daily, Tom’s dad no longer has the competence to choose his own surroundings. We do know that this setting would be the furthest thing from his wishes.

This stark contrast reminded us, especially as we marked my 53rd year, that time marches, years pass, and aging is unavoidable — sometimes it happens gracefully, sometimes less so.

The passage of these past five years saw  Tom’s father go from a dynamic and articulate chemistry teacher who was a physically active and an intellectually engaged person, to a man without much of a memory, the ability to communicate, or any social filters. It was a more somber birthday reminder that we can’t escape time.

It reaffirmed our commitment to making this van adventure/journey while we are still physically and mentally able to do it and to make the most of the moments along the way.

So, on this very note, Tom and I did just that, taking full advantage of the day; enjoying a ten-mile hike in Brown County State Forest, meandering the rolling Southern Indiana hills and circumnavigating Ogle Lake. We visited Oliver Winery (yes, Indiana has wine!) for a snack and sip. Then finally we landed at Upland Brewing Company back in Bloomington for some well crafted sour beers and dinner. J baked a delicious apple sage cake for the occasion and we had a late evening happy birthday dessert.

A happy birthday

Today we made a trip to Seymour, Indiana (birthplace of John Mellencamp Jr.!) to purchase and install a set of higher load rating tires, an important safety upgrade we decided to make after completing our first 1000 miles on the road.

Marking 1000 miles

Yep, it’s a small town.

Tomorrow, before our visit with Tom’s dad, we will install our second bug screen for the back of the van.  Luckily, the morning hours are expected to be in the high 50’s. We installed our passenger sliding door bug screen a couple of days ago. It was a quite a wrestling exercise to finesse the fit of it and we did the work during a blazing hot afternoon under the late-summer Indiana sun. We learned our lesson: start earlier! Also on tap while we have fast internet is to do some planning for the next stage of our journey which includes heading south through Louisville, to Bardstown, KY and then continuing on to Nashville, TN. We are here in Bloomington through the end of the week to spend time with J and help out where we can, and then we’ll be on the road again (…just can’t wait to get on the road again.) That’s a fitting song, isn’t it?